texts of greatness
I really don’t know why, but my friend Dave texts me, even when we are sitting five feet from each other. He knows that I turn off the ringer and text/email notifier when I am anywhere near another human being socially, so he cannot be hoping for an instant reaction, but I’ll be goddamned if they aren’t even funnier the next morning:
Well, objectively, your ass is in good shape, but your tits could use a lift.
If you say one more word about me not liking salmon, I am going to pelt you with olives.
Oh, like you are the first person who awkwardly ran into a FWB. Be a feminist.
Honestly, K, I am just always so surprised when there isn’t a dog or a baby* in the backseat of your car.
Why aren’t you on a first name basis with the hot FEMALE bartenders. Be a feminist.
* this (baby) has never actually happened, which makes it all the more WTF
