in sickness and in health
Two weeks and one day after I married her son, I puked all over my mother-in-law.
Christmas night, we were driving back from my folks’ place. We were headed back to Seattle to meet up with a friend for a late night dinner. I was feeling wonky, but thought it was due to ridiculous holiday eating.
About half way home, I realized the situation was more dire, and most likely some variety of food poisoning, but I had it under control. I minded over mattered, took shallow breaths, and used every ounce of reason I had. My mother in law’s car had developed a problem with the passenger side window - the power window switch was out, so not only was fresh air not an option, but neither was that possible porthole. There was no where to pull over, it was windy and raining, and we were so close to home. Just two exits….
And then, all hell in my stomach broke loose. Folks, I projectile vomited like a goddamn boss. Everywhere. On the windshield. On the windows. All over me. And then I did it again, a few seconds later. In my efforts to contain the situation, by use of hands, I had, of course, made it worse. After getting it briefly together, I starting apologizing over and over while my MIL and Casey were fretting about me. I looked over at my MIL, who was driving, and saw she was covered, too.
I had hosed down my mother in law. I was horrified and still very, very sick.
We got home a few minutes later, and I stripped down, showered, and crawled into bed. My husband cleaned out the car while I shivered and deliriously slept. I woke up at 4am and did things to my bathroom that I will never, EVER speak about. Let’s just say that it is a damn good thing I am an avid reader of Ask a Clean Person on the Hairpin. I was on my hands and knees in the bathroom with a pail of hot sudsy water (with vinegar!), cleaning up the most vile substances a human body can produce.
That is the last thing I remember in those lost 36 hours, and I would just as soon forget it. It was the sickest I have ever felt, and that includes the last time I had food poisoning after dirty, dirty Chinese food.
I haven’t kept down much since. Water makes me really woozy. I am pretty sure I am still dehydrated, but I have rejoined the living in at least some small capacity.
